Getting my Groove Back

Okay. So... here's the deal.

I am in Week 3 of my "try to ease into it" phase of food management.

The goal is to move my body a little more, and eat a little bit better, without the commitment to a full-on recovery plan, which I know I'm not ready to make.

I have attended 5 consecutive scheduled classes at the gym without a miss. My instructor notices and comments. My runs are coming along, and my distance is getting closer to my previously consistent 4.5 miles.

I am packing salads and eating at least one really healthful meal each day, with lots of fruits and veggies. Still snacking a little too much.

My weight is stable and maybe creeping down at a snail's pace, but the fact that I've stopped the uphill climb is a victory in itself.

My stomach feels puffed up and my muscle-tone is like jello.

It's a game of chance - what will push me over that edge to a commitment this time? A date? A trip? A number on the scale? The unkind three-way mirrors at Nordstrom?

Motivate Me

I'm sheepishly posting this after midnight, as though I can sneak in quietly when no one is around and admit my shortcomings in the dark.

Let's just put it on the line... 10 pounds found their way back onto my body.

I have lots of reasons and excuses. None of them matter.

I'm not sure if I'm really ready to commit to this again, but I'm hoping that a public post will give me a kick in the butt and get me going again.

I'm on the fence - I just know it. What is the magic that moves me?

You're Never Too Old to Look Great

I’m officially down 19.2 pounds at Weight Watchers. This summer’s vacations have definitely discombobulated me. Ironically, I actually lost weight while on the vacations, but re-entry into home life always triggers that mechanism inside me that thinks food will make me feel better. But… I’m still losing (albeit slowly), so that’s good.

I’ve decided I need to get a little more serious about my exercise regimen. In addition to adding two weight-lifting days to my weekly schedule, I’m also planning to increase my running plan. I replaced my worn-out sneakers with Asics Gel Nimbus running shoes (on zappos.com) and joined Map My Run to plot some outdoor routes for variety and challenge.

The shoes arrived at about the same time as this cold/allergy/whatever-it-is, so I’ve yet to try them out, and I’m chomping at the bit to give them a whirl.

Vacation photos are a cruel reminder that while I’ve lost a significant amount of weight, I am not finished yet. In fact, 10 more pounds may not cut it.

My immediate goal is to get my 20-lb. star from Estelle at the next WW meeting. Following that milestone, another 10-lb. drop will take me to my formal “goal,” and I will need to decide at that point if I want to stay put or keep going.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to lose more than 10 pounds, so, rather than fail, I set my sights low. I just can’t visualize being that thin again. Moms aren’t supposed to be thin and sexy, right? If I feel too sexy, maybe I’ll act inappropriately or want to dress like girls half my age. I’m damned to these matronly tankinis now, aren’t I? Shouldn’t my body match?

Ugh… stuck in the muck… how do I get rid of these pesky beliefs?

Yesterday was my son's birthday, and I took the kids to the park for a surprise picnic. While I limited the number of choices, I did not skimp on traditional, junk-food picnic fare. Chips, soda, deli-meat, and the chocolatey goodness of bakery brownies.

We had so much fun, the food ended up being an after-thought, and I'm sure I stayed within my points, even though I had given myself permission to indulge this day.

I went home and talked to a good friend on the phone for hours while I cleaned out one side of my garage so I could fit my new car in it. Before I knew it, it was dark, and I had missed dinner. I had a low-point snack and went to bed.

Today I need to haul some of the garage junk to the dump. This decluttering project isn't just about my body, after all. Letting go of the past... facing my fears... doing something instead of merely thinking about it... that's the way it works, isn't it?

I'm excited to weigh in tomorrow. Should be another loss for my body - another big gain for my spirit.

As stressed as he makes me feel, that's how great I'm going to look!

Shiny and New

Darling Estelle just keeps me going. The vivacious Weight Watchers leader motivates me with every inch of her 4-foot-something body. Today was meeting day, and I lost another 2.5 pounds.

It works if you work it.

I have no doubt now that I will reach my goal this summer. I'm so excited, and I really do feel terrific already.

On Saturday, I went to see an old friend of mine from my former gym. He's a pretty honest fellow, and admits he "has no filter" on his mouth. He hasn't seen me in a couple of years, and despite my weight loss, I still weigh much more than I did the last time he saw me.

He told me I looked great.

I tried to deflect the compliment and insisted I weigh much more now than I did before, but I'm losing steadily and feeling good.

He told me I looked great.

As I tried to let the compliment wash over me and soak in, he went on to say that the last time he saw me, I didn't look so good. But now, he said, I looked "shinier, or something."

I can't think of a better compliment than that.

As stressed as he makes me feel, that's how great I'm going to look.

Weight Watchers - Week 7 Update

On Mother's Day, I did some running - 10 miles worth. I still can't believe it. I hopped on my treadmill, and I just kept going. Five miles in the morning and five in the evening. I feel like a million bucks. I'm, like, a runner now, for godsakes.

I'm down about 13 pounds, and I can see a change. I've taken 4 inches off my waist, and most other measurements are down about an inch. (I didn't have the heart to measure my poor bustline.)

A coworker came into my office yesterday and asked me some questions about my gym membership. I answered, and then said she had been wanting to tell me since she saw me first thing in the morning that I look so great and fresh, and she had decided she wanted to do whatever it was that I was doing! :) Now, that's a compliment!

A side-effect, perhaps, is that my sex drive has gone through the roof, and I'm not even having any. I just feel that "on the edge" feeling almost constantly.

Today I had to add a belt to my jeans to keep them up, and the buckle isn't even making my shirt poke out like I have some alien growth on my abdomen. Woo-hoo!

My attitude, my spirit, my outlook... everything has changed along with my body. It's wonderful and amazing. I realize I still have 20 or so more pounds to go, and I can't even imagine what that will feel like. But, I can visualize it, and I do believe I can do it this time.

As stressed as he makes me feel, that's how great I'm going to look... and feel... and... BE!

It Works if You Work It

I'm thrilled to report today's morning scale showed a full 10 pounds lost since this venture began. This is my fifth week on the program, so I think the habits are starting to stick. I feel terrific.

While the only significant change to my body so far is my smaller breasts, I just look better - in some general, vague, can't-put-my-finger-on-it way. My clothes look nicer. People are commenting on my hair or the pretty color of my sweater. Some say I look well and happy. But in the mirror, my body still looks relatively the same size to me.

I'm not complaining.

Maybe the most helpful tip of all for me in Weight Watchers right now is to make my calories count. I'm eating "filling foods" instead of making meals from 2-point chocolate snacks, just because they're "allowed."

I'm dedicated to putting in the prep time, too. It takes planning and effort to eat healthfully. Since I'm usually starving the minute I walk in the door from work, I try to save a snack for late in the day at the office, and I try to have a big bowl of air-popped popcorn sitting on my kitchen counter most of the time for those "if I don't eat, I'm going to DIE" moments.

My cravings no longer rule me, though I do give in from time-to-time.

I'm happy. I'm proud of myself. And my reaching my goal weight seems very promising this time.

As stressed as he makes me feel, that's how great I'm going to look!

Accountability

My wagon was all over the road this weekend. I had so many moments of utter despair and mindless eating, but I always tried to get back on track as soon as possible.

Today was my day to weigh in.

We have a coupon in our books that we can use to get out of weighing-in. I almost used it, because I knew I had gained weight this week (I have scales at home, of course). Then I decided to be accountable and step up to the plate. I told the receptionist I had a bad week, and to please write down my weight without comment and without telling me how I did.

She said, "What if you didn't gain?"

I said, "I did."

I made it until the end of the meeting, but I had to peek. I gained .2 pounds. Ha. One-fifth of one pound. And I thought I had ruined all my recent success and was ready to chuck the entire program.

Glad I peeked. It's not so bad, and today, I'm riding along quite contentedly, and I'm staying on my program.

Hanging on to the Wagon for Dear Life

Today's an icky day. I should have taken the day off, but I put a co-worker ahead of my own needs and wants, and now I'm fuming. The day started off raw.

I was bored and angry about being on call from 6 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. today, and I released my fury with a vengeance on all my piles of paperwork in the kitchen. Drawers, bags, stacks of hidden paper revealed expired coupons, unopened mail, and a million things to be filed. I can't believe how much I got done.

But then I still didn't feel okay. And, to add insult to injury, I received another court document from my ex that I needed to respond to. So I sat down and typed up an emotional formal response, finally bringing his alcoholism to the court's attention. It was brutal to write, and worse to feel.

I want to eat. I did eat. I haven't counted all my points, and I'm sure I'll conveniently "forget" about some of them that came from my son's Easter stash. Ugh.

I just had a Weight Watchers dinner, and I'm trying hard to hang on. I'm almost finished with my third week, and I just can't blow it now.

Momentum

I made it through Easter without going into a sugar coma, and I had another good weight-loss this week. I'm so excited at the thought of losing this extra junk under my skin.

I'm dreaming of summer and beaches and sun... I'm imagining wearing shorts without fear and going for long bike rides on my weekends without the kids.

I decided not to tell anyone at work about Weight Watchers. I can't wait until they notice. :)

Here We Go Again...

Groan... I'm embarrassed. I can't believe it. How many times can a person start over?

I started back to Weight Watchers on Monday, and I feel determined this time (ha - just like always).

My best friend says diets don't work. But eating my way and just trying to work in exercise when I could just wasn't working for me. I don't know how to eat right. I have to have someone hold my hand and reteach me every single time. My sense of portions gets askew. I become oblivious to what exactly goes into my mouth in a day. I have to start over.

Again.

So, enter Miss Estelle, a darling little Italian woman of 79 - my new Weight Watchers leader. When I first entered the room full of mostly older, very overweight people, I wondered if I could be inspired there. But Estelle is a dynamo, and she gave me my new mantra, "As much as he stresses me out, that's how great I'm going to look!" I love her already.

Estelle held me after class, explained the changes to the program since the last time I visited, and gave me lots of personal tips. I'm doing everything she told me to do. Consequently, the scale is dropping numbers like no tomorrow, and I'm living in the bathroom - just like she said I would.

I feel like I'm wearing a path in the carpet from my office to the bathrooms. I can't even sit through a meeting without squirming. The drive home? Nearly intolerable.

But... it's coming off. Yes, it's coming off.

This morning on the treadmill, I visualized the fat melting off my body, leaving me energized and lean.

I have hope.

It's Not About the Weight

I think I have heard every diet tip on the planet. To name a few:

• Drink lots of water
• Brush your teeth more often
• Chew gum
• Don't eat in front of the television
• Have raw veggies to munch on while cooking
• Don't eat after 7:00 p.m.
• Include a couple of snacks in your day
• Make sure you get healthy oils (olive, canola, etc.)
• Drink your milk
• Avoid caffeine
• Limit sugar
• Limit fat
• Limit trans fats
• Limit carbs
• Stay active
• Don't deny yourself your favorite foods, just limit the quantity

Blah, blah, blah...

I remember sitting in a Weight Watchers meeting one time. Next to me was a man who had lost over 100 pounds, and had kept it off. I was so impressed, I could hardly contain myself. The thought of being that disciplined just astounds me. (Hell, the thought of losing 20 sounds impressive to me.)

The holidays were coming up, and the lecturer had a big calendar in the front of the room. She said, "Let's decide which days we're going to allow ourselves to induldge and eat whatever we like. As long as we stick to only 2 or 3 days over the course of the entire holiday season, we should be fine."

I wondered what planet she came from. I began to cry. If I could decide which days I would overeat, I wouldn't be here, goddamnit.

That's when I knew I really had a problem. And worse, it was a secret. Because people looking at me from the outside would never really know. I'm not obese, though my weight fluctuates like the east-coast temperatures.

It's not about the weight.

It's not about the weight.

It's not about the weight.

I'm going to the gym. Right now. It's that "just put one foot in front of the other" thing.

Second Thoughts

I'm regretting this.

What a stupid idea.

I know by now that no outside force exists that can make me "shift" into healthy eating patterns again. It has to come from deep within myself. I can't guilt myself into it, embarrass myself into it, scare myself into it, or anything else.

It's just not happening right now.

My body is dead-set on self-destruction at the moment.

Excuse me while I go pour a bowl of Cheerios and drown them with sugar.

Day 1 - Are We Done Yet?

Let's just say Day 1 began better than it ended.

I did lie down for a little while in the afternoon, but I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... severe headache, nausea, and food cravings. Let's just say I gave in, but kept things reasonable.

I did cook tonight, which I am happy about, because typically, on a day like this, it's too easy to take the fast-food solution, especially when it's 4:00, I don't feel well, and my middle child is looking at me with puppy-dog eyes asking for McDonalds.

Thank goodness I'm learning what to keep in my fridge. I'm not good at planning ahead. I've started buying thin-sliced meats (which cook quickly) and cut strips of meats for stir-fry. Throw in a few veggies... some brown rice... voila... a decent meal in about 10 minutes.

Tonight's menu: thin-sliced pork chops with hot cherry peppers and rice.

I find that very spicy foods help me feel fuller faster, and tide me over longer.

I drank a huge glass of water, and I'm planning to eat nothing else this evening, but continue drinking the water to flush out my system. I feel really full and fat, so I don't think it will be a problem. Oh, and I'm sleepy, too, so I plan to go to bed early.

Tomorrow is another day. Another opportunity.

Day 1 Continues

For lunch, I had a frozen pasta meal ready to go, then thought better and made myself a sandwich:

2 slices whole wheat bread
2 oz. deli chicken breast
1 oz. low fat cheddar cheese
romaine lettuce
tomato

I also had a few peanuts to add more fat to the meal (per the Abs Diet).

I chose to drink a diet soda - I know - water would have been better. And I had a Weight Watchers frozen dessert afterwards which accelerated my headache, but at least it was portion controlled.

I stole about half a dozen corn chips from my son's bowl when I poured them for him.

I did manage to get through an excruciating game of Dread Pirate with my bored son. Thank god he got tired and wanted to quit.

I want to just say screw it and eat whatever the hell I want. I need some energy.

I feel awful. I'm going to lie down.

Day 1 - Let the Detox Begin

I think that deciding to blog about the food thing is aiding in my resolve; I've wanted to ditch this project several times today already, but I felt embarrassed to quit before I've begun.

When I woke, I felt exhausted and I had a headache; probably the result of my late-night snacking on potato chips (a rare treat around here) and low-fat ice cream drowning in chocolate syrup and covered with peanuts. After getting my oldest out the door for school, I went back to bed.

I don't care, I thought.

When I got up the second time, after a fitful sleep full of very strange dreams, including a recurring frustrating sex episode where I keep getting interrupted, I almost reached for the sugar cereal because it was quick and mindless. But I forced myself to make a good breakfast (well, what I know works for my body, anyway).

Here's what I had:

One slice of whole wheat toast (real whole grain, not the fake stuff) with some spray butter
One container of Weight Watchers yogurt
10-12 raw almonds
One huge glass of water
One multi-vitamin
One fish-oil supplement
One calcium supplement

Then I sat down to begin this blog.

About an hour ago, I ate this:

One piece of low-fat string cheese
One small green apple
Water

And now, I have a splitting headache, and I desperately want a cookie.

I'm breaking out in a sweat; I can't focus. My head is pounding and I'm tired and sleepy.

I warned the kids already (the two who haven't yet started school) that today was going to be a lazy, do-nothing day, just so they aren't expecting much from me. I've done this a hundred times; I know the drill. I will be nasty and cranky. I am disgusted with myself, and I will try to take it out on them.

I did manage to get a load of laundry in, and, of course, I'm blogging. I won't let myself lie around all day, but at some point, it will be very tempting.

Introduction

I have been aware of food and it's power since I was a very small girl. My mother was overweight, and I watched her drop to a size 4 (back when a size 4 wasn't really a size 10) over a period of 9 months or so on the Weight Watchers food plan. She lost about 90 pounds.

She subsequently became a lecturer (a very good one) for Weight Watchers; she has also worked for Jenny Craig, and recently retired from L.A. Weight Loss. She is overweight.

I was not overweight as a kid; some would say I was underweight. (See inset. I was in high school, and weighed less than 100 pounds at 5' 4".) I was the "skinny minnie." I did not participate in sports, but I did dance, so I guess that, plus a good metabolism, was my secret.

Because I ate like crap.

While I have gained and lost weight over the course of my adult life, I have only been "overweight" during one period, and I would not say I was "fat."

Yet food keeps a strong hold over me. It is my addiction.

I tried going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings for awhile. Women with 50-100 pounds (or more) to lose looked at me with disdain... like I was some prissy girl who didn't want to have an inch to pinch.

It's not about the weight. It's about the powerlessness feeling we (who are food addicts) all share when it comes to making good food choices.

An alcoholic can put down his last drink and say it's his last drink. He can choose (with support) to never pick up another. Not so with food. Three to six times a day, I have to put something in my mouth to survive. I have to make the choice constantly. I have to know when to stop every single time.

When I was 25, I married an alcoholic who has an alcoholic family. I quickly learned that getting drunk creates all kinds of chaos, and I choose not to do it. It's easy for me. While I do have a glass of wine with friends occasionally, I do not keep alcohol in my home, and I'd be perfectly content if someone said I would never see another glass of Chardonnay in my life.

However, just try to take my chocolate or my sugar away! Try to tell me I can't have it any more. I will fight you. I will lie. I will steal. I will sneak around and hide it. I will not stop eating the stuff.

Sugar alters me. I get drunk on it. I don't function well with too much of it. That's the pain I have. It's not the weight, which is a side effect. I will explore the effects in detail in this new blog.

I started blogging in 2005, and I began to notice some patterns in my behavior and emotional states as they related to how I was doing with the food. I talked about it with close friends and briefly mentioned it sometimes in my blog. But I didn't want to focus on it.

Let's face it, food and diets and weight are boring subjects. If you don't have an issue with food, you really don't care. If you do, you probably don't want to hear about it. Our society is obsessed with personal appearance; millions of websites share diet tips and recipes, ad nauseum.

But this disease doesn't care what you look like. It can, however, make you look old... and tired... and dried up... and stressed... and... FAT. It can also take away your productivity, your love, your joy, your energy... your LIFE.

This morning when I woke and saw the number on the scale, I was terrified. I know I have to do something.

I decided to come clean, and to do it publicly, online. Maybe writing about it and documenting my food choices will help me stay focused and be successful this time.

I can't imagine too many people would want to read this, unless maybe they, too, struggle with this burden. So I'm taking it out of my personal blog; I'll leave that to exploring my personalities. The new blog will have it's own name - it's own space. It's own design.

A fresh start.

If, by chance, you are interested in this venture - if you understand me in a way few can - if you have something to say and share... I welcome comments, recipes, experiences, suggestions.

Here we go...