Introduction

I have been aware of food and it's power since I was a very small girl. My mother was overweight, and I watched her drop to a size 4 (back when a size 4 wasn't really a size 10) over a period of 9 months or so on the Weight Watchers food plan. She lost about 90 pounds.

She subsequently became a lecturer (a very good one) for Weight Watchers; she has also worked for Jenny Craig, and recently retired from L.A. Weight Loss. She is overweight.

I was not overweight as a kid; some would say I was underweight. (See inset. I was in high school, and weighed less than 100 pounds at 5' 4".) I was the "skinny minnie." I did not participate in sports, but I did dance, so I guess that, plus a good metabolism, was my secret.

Because I ate like crap.

While I have gained and lost weight over the course of my adult life, I have only been "overweight" during one period, and I would not say I was "fat."

Yet food keeps a strong hold over me. It is my addiction.

I tried going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings for awhile. Women with 50-100 pounds (or more) to lose looked at me with disdain... like I was some prissy girl who didn't want to have an inch to pinch.

It's not about the weight. It's about the powerlessness feeling we (who are food addicts) all share when it comes to making good food choices.

An alcoholic can put down his last drink and say it's his last drink. He can choose (with support) to never pick up another. Not so with food. Three to six times a day, I have to put something in my mouth to survive. I have to make the choice constantly. I have to know when to stop every single time.

When I was 25, I married an alcoholic who has an alcoholic family. I quickly learned that getting drunk creates all kinds of chaos, and I choose not to do it. It's easy for me. While I do have a glass of wine with friends occasionally, I do not keep alcohol in my home, and I'd be perfectly content if someone said I would never see another glass of Chardonnay in my life.

However, just try to take my chocolate or my sugar away! Try to tell me I can't have it any more. I will fight you. I will lie. I will steal. I will sneak around and hide it. I will not stop eating the stuff.

Sugar alters me. I get drunk on it. I don't function well with too much of it. That's the pain I have. It's not the weight, which is a side effect. I will explore the effects in detail in this new blog.

I started blogging in 2005, and I began to notice some patterns in my behavior and emotional states as they related to how I was doing with the food. I talked about it with close friends and briefly mentioned it sometimes in my blog. But I didn't want to focus on it.

Let's face it, food and diets and weight are boring subjects. If you don't have an issue with food, you really don't care. If you do, you probably don't want to hear about it. Our society is obsessed with personal appearance; millions of websites share diet tips and recipes, ad nauseum.

But this disease doesn't care what you look like. It can, however, make you look old... and tired... and dried up... and stressed... and... FAT. It can also take away your productivity, your love, your joy, your energy... your LIFE.

This morning when I woke and saw the number on the scale, I was terrified. I know I have to do something.

I decided to come clean, and to do it publicly, online. Maybe writing about it and documenting my food choices will help me stay focused and be successful this time.

I can't imagine too many people would want to read this, unless maybe they, too, struggle with this burden. So I'm taking it out of my personal blog; I'll leave that to exploring my personalities. The new blog will have it's own name - it's own space. It's own design.

A fresh start.

If, by chance, you are interested in this venture - if you understand me in a way few can - if you have something to say and share... I welcome comments, recipes, experiences, suggestions.

Here we go...