It's Not About the Weight

I think I have heard every diet tip on the planet. To name a few:

• Drink lots of water
• Brush your teeth more often
• Chew gum
• Don't eat in front of the television
• Have raw veggies to munch on while cooking
• Don't eat after 7:00 p.m.
• Include a couple of snacks in your day
• Make sure you get healthy oils (olive, canola, etc.)
• Drink your milk
• Avoid caffeine
• Limit sugar
• Limit fat
• Limit trans fats
• Limit carbs
• Stay active
• Don't deny yourself your favorite foods, just limit the quantity

Blah, blah, blah...

I remember sitting in a Weight Watchers meeting one time. Next to me was a man who had lost over 100 pounds, and had kept it off. I was so impressed, I could hardly contain myself. The thought of being that disciplined just astounds me. (Hell, the thought of losing 20 sounds impressive to me.)

The holidays were coming up, and the lecturer had a big calendar in the front of the room. She said, "Let's decide which days we're going to allow ourselves to induldge and eat whatever we like. As long as we stick to only 2 or 3 days over the course of the entire holiday season, we should be fine."

I wondered what planet she came from. I began to cry. If I could decide which days I would overeat, I wouldn't be here, goddamnit.

That's when I knew I really had a problem. And worse, it was a secret. Because people looking at me from the outside would never really know. I'm not obese, though my weight fluctuates like the east-coast temperatures.

It's not about the weight.

It's not about the weight.

It's not about the weight.

I'm going to the gym. Right now. It's that "just put one foot in front of the other" thing.

Second Thoughts

I'm regretting this.

What a stupid idea.

I know by now that no outside force exists that can make me "shift" into healthy eating patterns again. It has to come from deep within myself. I can't guilt myself into it, embarrass myself into it, scare myself into it, or anything else.

It's just not happening right now.

My body is dead-set on self-destruction at the moment.

Excuse me while I go pour a bowl of Cheerios and drown them with sugar.

Day 1 - Are We Done Yet?

Let's just say Day 1 began better than it ended.

I did lie down for a little while in the afternoon, but I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... severe headache, nausea, and food cravings. Let's just say I gave in, but kept things reasonable.

I did cook tonight, which I am happy about, because typically, on a day like this, it's too easy to take the fast-food solution, especially when it's 4:00, I don't feel well, and my middle child is looking at me with puppy-dog eyes asking for McDonalds.

Thank goodness I'm learning what to keep in my fridge. I'm not good at planning ahead. I've started buying thin-sliced meats (which cook quickly) and cut strips of meats for stir-fry. Throw in a few veggies... some brown rice... voila... a decent meal in about 10 minutes.

Tonight's menu: thin-sliced pork chops with hot cherry peppers and rice.

I find that very spicy foods help me feel fuller faster, and tide me over longer.

I drank a huge glass of water, and I'm planning to eat nothing else this evening, but continue drinking the water to flush out my system. I feel really full and fat, so I don't think it will be a problem. Oh, and I'm sleepy, too, so I plan to go to bed early.

Tomorrow is another day. Another opportunity.

Day 1 Continues

For lunch, I had a frozen pasta meal ready to go, then thought better and made myself a sandwich:

2 slices whole wheat bread
2 oz. deli chicken breast
1 oz. low fat cheddar cheese
romaine lettuce
tomato

I also had a few peanuts to add more fat to the meal (per the Abs Diet).

I chose to drink a diet soda - I know - water would have been better. And I had a Weight Watchers frozen dessert afterwards which accelerated my headache, but at least it was portion controlled.

I stole about half a dozen corn chips from my son's bowl when I poured them for him.

I did manage to get through an excruciating game of Dread Pirate with my bored son. Thank god he got tired and wanted to quit.

I want to just say screw it and eat whatever the hell I want. I need some energy.

I feel awful. I'm going to lie down.

Day 1 - Let the Detox Begin

I think that deciding to blog about the food thing is aiding in my resolve; I've wanted to ditch this project several times today already, but I felt embarrassed to quit before I've begun.

When I woke, I felt exhausted and I had a headache; probably the result of my late-night snacking on potato chips (a rare treat around here) and low-fat ice cream drowning in chocolate syrup and covered with peanuts. After getting my oldest out the door for school, I went back to bed.

I don't care, I thought.

When I got up the second time, after a fitful sleep full of very strange dreams, including a recurring frustrating sex episode where I keep getting interrupted, I almost reached for the sugar cereal because it was quick and mindless. But I forced myself to make a good breakfast (well, what I know works for my body, anyway).

Here's what I had:

One slice of whole wheat toast (real whole grain, not the fake stuff) with some spray butter
One container of Weight Watchers yogurt
10-12 raw almonds
One huge glass of water
One multi-vitamin
One fish-oil supplement
One calcium supplement

Then I sat down to begin this blog.

About an hour ago, I ate this:

One piece of low-fat string cheese
One small green apple
Water

And now, I have a splitting headache, and I desperately want a cookie.

I'm breaking out in a sweat; I can't focus. My head is pounding and I'm tired and sleepy.

I warned the kids already (the two who haven't yet started school) that today was going to be a lazy, do-nothing day, just so they aren't expecting much from me. I've done this a hundred times; I know the drill. I will be nasty and cranky. I am disgusted with myself, and I will try to take it out on them.

I did manage to get a load of laundry in, and, of course, I'm blogging. I won't let myself lie around all day, but at some point, it will be very tempting.

Introduction

I have been aware of food and it's power since I was a very small girl. My mother was overweight, and I watched her drop to a size 4 (back when a size 4 wasn't really a size 10) over a period of 9 months or so on the Weight Watchers food plan. She lost about 90 pounds.

She subsequently became a lecturer (a very good one) for Weight Watchers; she has also worked for Jenny Craig, and recently retired from L.A. Weight Loss. She is overweight.

I was not overweight as a kid; some would say I was underweight. (See inset. I was in high school, and weighed less than 100 pounds at 5' 4".) I was the "skinny minnie." I did not participate in sports, but I did dance, so I guess that, plus a good metabolism, was my secret.

Because I ate like crap.

While I have gained and lost weight over the course of my adult life, I have only been "overweight" during one period, and I would not say I was "fat."

Yet food keeps a strong hold over me. It is my addiction.

I tried going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings for awhile. Women with 50-100 pounds (or more) to lose looked at me with disdain... like I was some prissy girl who didn't want to have an inch to pinch.

It's not about the weight. It's about the powerlessness feeling we (who are food addicts) all share when it comes to making good food choices.

An alcoholic can put down his last drink and say it's his last drink. He can choose (with support) to never pick up another. Not so with food. Three to six times a day, I have to put something in my mouth to survive. I have to make the choice constantly. I have to know when to stop every single time.

When I was 25, I married an alcoholic who has an alcoholic family. I quickly learned that getting drunk creates all kinds of chaos, and I choose not to do it. It's easy for me. While I do have a glass of wine with friends occasionally, I do not keep alcohol in my home, and I'd be perfectly content if someone said I would never see another glass of Chardonnay in my life.

However, just try to take my chocolate or my sugar away! Try to tell me I can't have it any more. I will fight you. I will lie. I will steal. I will sneak around and hide it. I will not stop eating the stuff.

Sugar alters me. I get drunk on it. I don't function well with too much of it. That's the pain I have. It's not the weight, which is a side effect. I will explore the effects in detail in this new blog.

I started blogging in 2005, and I began to notice some patterns in my behavior and emotional states as they related to how I was doing with the food. I talked about it with close friends and briefly mentioned it sometimes in my blog. But I didn't want to focus on it.

Let's face it, food and diets and weight are boring subjects. If you don't have an issue with food, you really don't care. If you do, you probably don't want to hear about it. Our society is obsessed with personal appearance; millions of websites share diet tips and recipes, ad nauseum.

But this disease doesn't care what you look like. It can, however, make you look old... and tired... and dried up... and stressed... and... FAT. It can also take away your productivity, your love, your joy, your energy... your LIFE.

This morning when I woke and saw the number on the scale, I was terrified. I know I have to do something.

I decided to come clean, and to do it publicly, online. Maybe writing about it and documenting my food choices will help me stay focused and be successful this time.

I can't imagine too many people would want to read this, unless maybe they, too, struggle with this burden. So I'm taking it out of my personal blog; I'll leave that to exploring my personalities. The new blog will have it's own name - it's own space. It's own design.

A fresh start.

If, by chance, you are interested in this venture - if you understand me in a way few can - if you have something to say and share... I welcome comments, recipes, experiences, suggestions.

Here we go...