Motivate Me

I'm sheepishly posting this after midnight, as though I can sneak in quietly when no one is around and admit my shortcomings in the dark.

Let's just put it on the line... 10 pounds found their way back onto my body.

I have lots of reasons and excuses. None of them matter.

I'm not sure if I'm really ready to commit to this again, but I'm hoping that a public post will give me a kick in the butt and get me going again.

I'm on the fence - I just know it. What is the magic that moves me?

Here We Go Again...

Groan... I'm embarrassed. I can't believe it. How many times can a person start over?

I started back to Weight Watchers on Monday, and I feel determined this time (ha - just like always).

My best friend says diets don't work. But eating my way and just trying to work in exercise when I could just wasn't working for me. I don't know how to eat right. I have to have someone hold my hand and reteach me every single time. My sense of portions gets askew. I become oblivious to what exactly goes into my mouth in a day. I have to start over.

Again.

So, enter Miss Estelle, a darling little Italian woman of 79 - my new Weight Watchers leader. When I first entered the room full of mostly older, very overweight people, I wondered if I could be inspired there. But Estelle is a dynamo, and she gave me my new mantra, "As much as he stresses me out, that's how great I'm going to look!" I love her already.

Estelle held me after class, explained the changes to the program since the last time I visited, and gave me lots of personal tips. I'm doing everything she told me to do. Consequently, the scale is dropping numbers like no tomorrow, and I'm living in the bathroom - just like she said I would.

I feel like I'm wearing a path in the carpet from my office to the bathrooms. I can't even sit through a meeting without squirming. The drive home? Nearly intolerable.

But... it's coming off. Yes, it's coming off.

This morning on the treadmill, I visualized the fat melting off my body, leaving me energized and lean.

I have hope.

Second Thoughts

I'm regretting this.

What a stupid idea.

I know by now that no outside force exists that can make me "shift" into healthy eating patterns again. It has to come from deep within myself. I can't guilt myself into it, embarrass myself into it, scare myself into it, or anything else.

It's just not happening right now.

My body is dead-set on self-destruction at the moment.

Excuse me while I go pour a bowl of Cheerios and drown them with sugar.

Day 1 - Are We Done Yet?

Let's just say Day 1 began better than it ended.

I did lie down for a little while in the afternoon, but I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck... severe headache, nausea, and food cravings. Let's just say I gave in, but kept things reasonable.

I did cook tonight, which I am happy about, because typically, on a day like this, it's too easy to take the fast-food solution, especially when it's 4:00, I don't feel well, and my middle child is looking at me with puppy-dog eyes asking for McDonalds.

Thank goodness I'm learning what to keep in my fridge. I'm not good at planning ahead. I've started buying thin-sliced meats (which cook quickly) and cut strips of meats for stir-fry. Throw in a few veggies... some brown rice... voila... a decent meal in about 10 minutes.

Tonight's menu: thin-sliced pork chops with hot cherry peppers and rice.

I find that very spicy foods help me feel fuller faster, and tide me over longer.

I drank a huge glass of water, and I'm planning to eat nothing else this evening, but continue drinking the water to flush out my system. I feel really full and fat, so I don't think it will be a problem. Oh, and I'm sleepy, too, so I plan to go to bed early.

Tomorrow is another day. Another opportunity.

Day 1 Continues

For lunch, I had a frozen pasta meal ready to go, then thought better and made myself a sandwich:

2 slices whole wheat bread
2 oz. deli chicken breast
1 oz. low fat cheddar cheese
romaine lettuce
tomato

I also had a few peanuts to add more fat to the meal (per the Abs Diet).

I chose to drink a diet soda - I know - water would have been better. And I had a Weight Watchers frozen dessert afterwards which accelerated my headache, but at least it was portion controlled.

I stole about half a dozen corn chips from my son's bowl when I poured them for him.

I did manage to get through an excruciating game of Dread Pirate with my bored son. Thank god he got tired and wanted to quit.

I want to just say screw it and eat whatever the hell I want. I need some energy.

I feel awful. I'm going to lie down.

Day 1 - Let the Detox Begin

I think that deciding to blog about the food thing is aiding in my resolve; I've wanted to ditch this project several times today already, but I felt embarrassed to quit before I've begun.

When I woke, I felt exhausted and I had a headache; probably the result of my late-night snacking on potato chips (a rare treat around here) and low-fat ice cream drowning in chocolate syrup and covered with peanuts. After getting my oldest out the door for school, I went back to bed.

I don't care, I thought.

When I got up the second time, after a fitful sleep full of very strange dreams, including a recurring frustrating sex episode where I keep getting interrupted, I almost reached for the sugar cereal because it was quick and mindless. But I forced myself to make a good breakfast (well, what I know works for my body, anyway).

Here's what I had:

One slice of whole wheat toast (real whole grain, not the fake stuff) with some spray butter
One container of Weight Watchers yogurt
10-12 raw almonds
One huge glass of water
One multi-vitamin
One fish-oil supplement
One calcium supplement

Then I sat down to begin this blog.

About an hour ago, I ate this:

One piece of low-fat string cheese
One small green apple
Water

And now, I have a splitting headache, and I desperately want a cookie.

I'm breaking out in a sweat; I can't focus. My head is pounding and I'm tired and sleepy.

I warned the kids already (the two who haven't yet started school) that today was going to be a lazy, do-nothing day, just so they aren't expecting much from me. I've done this a hundred times; I know the drill. I will be nasty and cranky. I am disgusted with myself, and I will try to take it out on them.

I did manage to get a load of laundry in, and, of course, I'm blogging. I won't let myself lie around all day, but at some point, it will be very tempting.